Representing the emotionally-abused client requires hard work, tact, and a strategy to deal with the abuser and contain the damage as much as possible. In terms of your own self-care, go for physical outlets of stress – like exercise or meditation – rather than relaxants and liquor.
By David T. Pisarra, Family Lawyer
When I was a young family law attorney, an older, wiser man once told me, “Son, in those nasty cases, the issue is not the real issue – it’s about something much deeper.” It took me about five years and many hours of sitting in MCLE courses on family dynamics, psychology, the domestic abuse cycle, along with reading books on personality disorders to truly understand what the old man meant: there are often core childhood issues we deal with in high-conflict divorce cases that are more deep-seated than any issue being fought over during the divorce.
The real problem is beyond our role as lawyers, and many psychologists will agree that it is beyond theirs as well, because personality-disordered people have a low rate of success in treatment. Therefore, the value we can bring to our clients is a strategy to deal with the abuser and try to contain the damage as much as possible.
How to Represent a Targeted Spouse Experiencing PTSD
Personality disorders come in many types, but the two most common that we see as family law attorneys are the narcissistic (NPD) and borderline personality disorders (BPD). Narcissists are often experts at making themselves look good. They recast facts and events in their favor, and reality has little value to them. The borderline personality tends to act in the relationship like an on/off switch; from the “Oh my God, you’re perfect!” in the initial stages to, “You’re the worst, most incompetent, betraying, evil person on the planet!” near the end.
For the non-personality disordered person who finds him or herself in a relationship with either the BPD or the NPD, they often simply lack the skills, cunning, and emotional fortitude to survive without some degree of post-traumatic stress.
Representing the Emotionally-Abused Client: Provoking the Abuser
Representing an emotionally-abused client requires bringing them back to a place where they can take strong action. Lawyers need to help clients overcome their hesitancy to provoke the abuser. The targeted spouse will need a clear strategy for the fallout, and oftentimes this is where new technologies are our best tools. Being able to document in text, email, and even voicemails from the abuser precisely what is expected is key for the targeted spouse in legal strategy and in recovery. When dealing with a NPD/BPD spouse, the most effective tool we have is to constrain them with boundaries of time, place, and specifics.
For the targeted spouse, having the ability to point to an incontrovertible fact is crucial to:
a) being able to express to a judicial officer that the other party is not doing what they said; and
b) for their own mental health to come back to a belief in their own sense of reality, which oftentimes has been destroyed.
Plotting a strategy for the fallout for the targeted spouse gives them the sense of control they have lacked and provides a roadmap for how we will constrain the other party. In these cases, child custody is generally the area where the abusive behavior will erupt the most. Sometimes we have to employ nannies, assistants, or private investigators to act as third-party documenters for both the target and the abuser.
Representing the Emotionally-Abused Client: Understanding the Abuser’s Lawyer
Birds of a feather flock together. For the peacemaker lawyer, these high-conflict cases are initially hard to understand and deal with, as oftentimes the lawyer representing the client with the disorder is equally difficult. They might engage in the same type of fact rearranging and polarized thinking that their clients do, and you – as the advocate for your PTSD client – must identify it and then engage in the same type of boundary setting and containment strategy with the opposing party.
Once it’s clear that the opposing counsel is behaving in a manner similar to that of their client, you’ll need to employ a strategy where you only put things in writing and with as much specificity as possible. No concessions should be made without being fully documented and equaled with a concession from the other side.
The opposing counsel will usually engage in a firehose strategy of pouring on the allegations, statements, and misinterpretations in an effort to bully you into their version of reality. This is why the lawyer for the targeted spouse has to have a strategy for their own well-being.
How to Care for Yourself in a High-Conflict Case
Self-care for lawyers in high-conflict cases is crucial. You need to have a strategy to maintain your own sense of reality and equilibrium, as well as a strong support network to keep on an even keel. Having a regular therapist is mandatory in my mind if you are going to work in the difficult world of family law – even more so if you are going to take on high-conflict cases with clients who suffer from narcissistic or borderline personality disorders.
Creating personal space and downtime is crucial for any lawyer, but in this high-conflict world, taking time for physical outlets of the stress is essential. Avoid the easy fixes of drugs like Xanax or a good scotch, because there are no benefits once they wear off and they can, in fact, lead to a false sense of reality – creating more problems than they try to solve.
David T. Pisarra is a Los Angeles family law attorney who specializes in men’s and father’s rights and hosts the Men’s Family Law Podcast. David is also the author of four books and does trainings for other lawyers across the nation for Thomson/Reuters on topics as diverse as family law for men, international child custody, domestic violence, and podcasting for professionals. www.davidpisarra.com
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19 Comments
Michael coomes
My poor
Wife suffers from hi functioning BPD and also I believe NPD. I need a lawyer for my divorce case in the Bel Air Maryland area.
Please match me with someone if possible.
Bonnie
If you find one in Maryland, please post, as I am looking for lawyer in MD for my neice who has 3 small children and is going through a divorce with a narcissist. She needs a good lawyer who has knowledge of this abuse.
Thanks,
Bonnie from Maryland
Camille
Did you all find one! I am in need of one in MD also…
ikudry@hotmail.com
Did you find anybody in MD?
Michael coomes
My poor
Wife suffers from hi functioning BPD and also I believe NPD. I need a lawyer for my divorce case in the Bel Air Maryland area.
Please match me with someone if possible.
Dianne
You describe exactly the kind of attorney I have been searching for, during my eight (8) years of trying to find someone to help me get free from my abusive NPD husband. In the meantime, I am attempting to hold my own (living my life in HIS imposed limbo) but suffer C-PTSD, chronic anxiety, panic attacks, low self-esteem, etc. He is and has been emotionally, mentally, financially and later on, physically abusive throughout the duration of our 32+ years together. Please, I would most appreciate if you know of an attorney who ascribes to this kind of well-informed approach to the high conflict NPD divorce. Thank-you.
Ro
My spouse has the judge wrapped around his finger. It doesn’t help that I come across as irrational or disorganized. Its worse that I’m pro se. I need an NPD experienced attorney in Wisconsin (Milwaukee county) – please help!
A.M.
My spouse, who I am in a divorce battle with, has BPD. She has the judge wrapped around her finger and her attorney seems just as immoral as she is. My attorney is doing what he can, but I think he may not have the experience needed to navigate through this. Please respond with any recommendations for a consultation with an attorney in Florida who has experience with BPD. Thank you!
Brian
Bullseye. Need your clone in CT, a referral To a knowledgeable resource would be a godsend. Regardless, thank you for the spot on article- good to know there’s a lawyer out there that gets it from all sides.
Kristen
Need someone in ct also. Did you find an attorney like this?
Kelly
Hi Kristen,
Any luck in CT? I need one too. Hope you’re doing okay.
Ross Marzarella
This guy nailed it. I am going through a nasty divorce in Pennsylvania and am the target (PTSD) of my spouse that definitely suffers from NPD and BPD and my attorney is ill-equipped to handle her attorney, which probably suffers from the same conditions. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any way to contact him through his website. Has anyone had any luck contacting him? If so how? Or maybe a referral to a solid PA family law attorney that specializes in these types of cases. Peace.
Sue
Do you have any recommendations for a lawyer who’s very familiar with c-ptsd? I need one in Las Vegas Nevada
Martha Chan
We don’t have anyone specific to recommend. You can check out a list of lawyers in Las Vegas here – https://www.divorcemag.com/directory/?wpbdp_view=search&listingfields%5B11%5D%5Bmode%5D=radius&dosrch=1&listingfields%5B28%5D=888&listingfields%5B2%5D=647&listingfields%5B4%5D=&listingfields%5B11%5D%5Bzip%5D=&listingfields%5B11%5D%5Bradius%5D=25
Kendra
I need an attorney in Denver, CO. My husband is a narcissist. He has emotionally abused me for years, and continues to abuse my two little girls ages 3 and 5, in more then one way. Please help.
Diana Shepherd
Hi Kendra.
Our sister websites, www.DivorcedMoms.com and www.DivorceMag.com, both offer articles to help deal with a narcissistic spouse, articles and videos on how to choose a lawyer, and Professional Directories to help you find someone to represent you. You could also search for a lawyer on the Colorado Bar Association’s (CBA) website: www.cobar.org/Licensed-Lawyer. Their website lists all licensed attorneys in the state, and you can narrow your search by topic (“divorce” or “family law” or “child custody”, for example) as well as city.
I hope this helps you, Kendra.
Mersadeis
Does anyone have a directory for Southern California (Santa Monica)? I’ve been having such a difficult time finding a female attorney that specializes in this specific kind of separation and family law.
JR
I need a high conflict attorney in Cleveland OH. Wife diagnosed with BP, BPD, NPD. Also delusional, possibly schizophrenic – “visions from the universe”, “birds telling her what to do”. Lots of therapists. 2 kids with limited visitation by court order.
Paul
David Pisarra, you sound wonderful. Short article but so pertinent.
Three years into a high-conflict divorce. It’s never-ending.
Does anyone know a high-conflict lawyer in the UK that “gets it”? Please just post.
Thanks
Paul